At the Colorado Cannabis Testing Grounds, qualified marijuana reviewers have access to a six-mile bike path that winds through deep patches of forest. Peaceful and sublime, this ride is my favorite place for testing strong daytime strains.
I’m set to examine some much-anticipated new Lemon Skunk, but I’m interrupted as soon as I light up by the arrival of Mr. Plutonium. I assume that’s his name because it’s emblazoned across his shiny red-and-fuchsia biking outfit. He hops off his $6,000 Italian racing bike, tugs at his tight Lycra shorts, and glances at me as I take a too-deep hit and start coughing up plooms of smoke. He seems to vibrate even while standing still. From his backpack he pulls out a shiny red-and-fuchsia can of Plutonium-Plus, the new hyper-energy drink that’s illegal in 22 states.
“I’m gonna set a new speed record here and GoPro the whole ride for our marketing team,” he says. “It’ll be crazy. You need to stay back to avoid getting my dust in your face.” Then he pounds the entire can in a few gulps and leaps back on his bike. “Gotta jet! Enjoy your stoner ride.” And whoosh! He’s gone.
I finish the first half of the joint, but then I see Mr. Plutonium’s backpack abandoned on the ground. What to do? The Lemon Skunk is starting to expand in my skull and there’s no time to waste. I throw his backpack in with my gear and pedal away.
Let’s be clear upfront: If it were up to me, Lemon Skunk would be the state flower of Colorado. A good batch will make the world seem like a Technicolor movie of your own design. If it’s an extremely good batch, it’ll be more like a cartoon. And when the world goes all animated, that’s when you know you have quality cannabis.
I launch into the first downhill curve and glide past tall golden grasses waving along the side. To me, it appears they’re sticking out their thumbs for a ride. Sorry, no hitchhikers! There’s a curve in the road that breaks out of the trees and into open meadow, all green and gold under a cloud-spangled sky and for the first time you can see the mountains in the distance. I pass a row of small shrubs along the path, and they look like a line of green heads bowing before me as I fly along. But wait – what’s this?
In the distance I see Mr. Plutonium flying straight towards me at high speed, pedaling furiously through the Devil’s Donut and then barreling right on by. “Left my GoPro at the start!” he shouts. “Back in a sec!” And whoosh! He’s gone again.
I glide onward, lost in the technicolor reverie of good Lemon Skunk. Now I’ve reached the open meadow, and on the concrete path I see what looks like a great destruction of grasshoppers, many crushed and dying, like the carnage from a great Civil War of cicadas. I look down upon it, all these poor creatures, and I see they are too many, too tiny, and I am like a giant Galactus passing through on his Cosmic Bicycle, far too distant and gigantic a figure for them to comprehend.
It’s late afternoon now, and the sunlight through the trees takes on a heavy golden glow, like the light itself has weight. I slide into a blissful epiphany. You can almost sense it, the mystery at the heart of everything, hidden in the play of light and shadow dancing through the trees. Then I hear it. A hissing in the distance. It’s the ultra-fast whirring of well-oiled Italian machinery. Ye Gods! It’s Mr. Plutonium thundering down on me again. The golden light begins to fade.
He’s out of breath as he brakes to a halt beside me: “Some jerk stole my GoPro camera and my whole backpack!” he pants. “This is a disaster!”
“Oh man, bummer!” I say, commiserating. “Also, here’s your bag. You left it behind, I didn’t want it to get stolen.”
This brings him up short. For the first time he seems to stop vibrating. “Oh. Thanks – that’s a big relief.” But he looks deflated. “I’m going to have to go back to the start. I’m going to have to do the whole ride again to make a movie of it.”
“You want to be in a really great movie?” I ask and hand him the remaining half of my Lemon Skunk joint, whose potency has exceeded my expectations. “Wait until you get to the grasshopper apocalypse scene!”
